ps i'm pretty sure i was blacked out when we hooked up? good thing i was w. you and not an actual diddler or an organ harvester
Hahaha. Shut up you were blacked out my ass. U were str8 mixin it up with urs truly like it was ur J-O-B
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
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