During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Randomize
