Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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