I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
And then he peed in my hair
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
