I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
