How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
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