if you like me you must not know who I am
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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