sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
