Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
