oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize
