The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
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