Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
