my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize