I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
