Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Randomize