no it's cool...i'm just drinking and studying...cool night
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
