Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
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