i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
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