First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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