I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
