dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
