Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
