hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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