If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
