Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Randomize
