Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Randomize
