Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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