she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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