you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Randomize
