her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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