Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Randomize
