I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
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