So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
