I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
