Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I skipped work to stalk him.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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