Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
