I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Randomize
