There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
