She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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