Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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