Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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