i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Randomize
