so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
