just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize