I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Randomize
