How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I deserve this hangover.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
