I'm drive I can fine osifer
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
