Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
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