apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
