I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Randomize
