oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
