I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
