I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
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