i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Alive.
So much puke
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Randomize
