I didn't shave. On purpose
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
