Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
