Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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