Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
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