Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Randomize
