just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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