I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
